Professor Barnhardt's Journal

Professor Barnhardt's Journal: 2002-2012

2012-01-27T18:52:00.000-05:00

Yes, just one day after announcing that PBJ was going on hiatus and would return in a few weeks with a new focus, I've decided to kill the thing.

I would love to thank all of the contributors PBJ has had over the years one by one, but it would make this post a mile long, and I wouldn't know who to put first. But please go through the archives on the left and read some of the great things that so many people have written here since 2002. I'm still amazed that I could send a note to someone well-known who had no idea who I was at the time and say "hey, wanna write for this magazine you've never heard of...for free?" And 9 times out of 10 they'd say yes and write something that was truly fantastic. PBJ would not have survived without them.

Thanks for 10 great years everybody! You can still keep up with my future projects at my site. More good stuff coming...

Bob Sassone

Hiatus!

2012-01-26T10:06:00.002-05:00

Professor Barnhardt's Journal is taking a little break. Details here. Check back in a few weeks!

Thank you.

The Management

Tuesday Random Links

2012-01-24T23:50:00.002-05:00

Bizarre things you can buy from vending machines around the world.
Great chili recipes from Betty Crocker.
Celebrity deaths: actor James Farentino and Dick Tufeld, the voice of the Lost in Space robot.
A letter from David Ogilvy on how to write ads.

Etta James: 1938-2012

2012-01-20T12:12:00.000-05:00

Jon Stewart on Yesterday's Web Blackout

2012-01-19T10:41:00.000-05:00

It's a good thing the people writing the laws know how the Web works.

The Daily Show
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Here's the very first episode of Today

2012-01-17T21:13:00.000-05:00

In honor of the 60th anniversary of Today, NBC has posted the very first episode of the show, from January 14, 1952.

It's a rather remarkable video. That's Dave Garroway wearing the GIGANTIC clip-on mic, but even more interesting is the fact that the first episode of the show not only had a time stamp in the corner and a news crawl at the bottom - something all the morning shows and news channels have now - but also a giant board that gave a quick summary of what was happening on the front pages of newspapers around the country, in the arts, in sports, in weather, and in quirky news. It looks like a web site, doesn't it?

Andy Rooney: The Memorial Service

2012-01-16T13:52:00.001-05:00

They had a memorial service for Andy Rooney last week at Rose Hall. Here's the story from CBS News (TV Newser has a great summary on who spoke and who attended the service).

Thursday Random Links

2012-01-12T13:32:00.000-05:00

Will Shortz and Hip Hop.
Which of these recipes deserves $1 million?
Everything you need to know about buying a camera.
Some AOL users still pay for e-mail?
Yikes: 30 giant hornets vs. a hive of honey bees.
In defense of the multi-camera sitcom.
Haterade: the culture of online commenting.

Tumbleweeds

2012-01-10T23:58:00.001-05:00

[via The Daily What]

Now You Can Read While You're In The Shower

2012-01-08T13:55:00.000-05:00

A fun idea, but the site says it can be read while you take a shower. Then shouldn't the text be on the inside?

One Last Christmas Post

2012-01-04T23:24:00.001-05:00

This is from the December 22 episode of Conan.

Random Links: Christmas!

2011-12-24T12:19:00.001-05:00

15 Christmas cookie recipes.
A Christmas tradition: David Letterman and Jay Thomas throw footballs at the meatball.
The rise and fall of the recipe card (and a follow-up).
25 things you might not know about Christmas.
Jimmy Fallon brings a holiday classic back to SNL.
Here are two Christmas cards that Harry Houdini sent to friends.
Have a Merry Christmas!

Christmas Commercials: Folgers

2011-12-22T15:47:00.000-05:00

This is probably my favorite Christmas ad. Why Folgers doesn't continue to run it every year baffles me. (More on this ad and the updated version Folger's now runs at my web site.)

Christmas Commercials: McDonald's

2011-12-21T13:20:00.003-05:00

From 1975. That's Corey Feldman.

Christmas Commercials: Lucky Strike Cigarettes

2011-12-19T15:05:00.002-05:00

I don't know if I'd put this in the "best Christmas commercials" category, but it's an interesting ad anyway. It's a holiday ad for Lucky Strike, circa...well, some time in the 50's.

That's Dorothy Collins, who did a lot of ads for Lucky Strike and was also a singer on Your Hit Parade. She passed away in 1994.

Christmas Commercials: Fruity Pebbles

2011-12-14T22:04:00.000-05:00

I know that the characters on The Flintstones didn't wear pants, but Barney's all red suit looks like a dress.

Christmas Commercials: Go Phone

2011-12-11T11:59:00.001-05:00

Continuing with our month of showcasing great holiday ads, here's one for AT&T's Go Phone from a few years ago. The voices are Steve Buscemi and Norm Macdonald.

Book Excerpt: Deliriously Happy

2011-12-07T11:04:00.002-05:00

Today we're featuring the new essay collection from Larry Doyle, Deliriously Happy (Ecco/HarperCollins).

Larry is a former writer and producer for such TV shows as The Simpsons and Beavis and Butt-head and has written for The New Yorker, Esquire, GQ, National Lampoon, SPY, and many other places. He also keeps a blog over at Time. He even won the 2008 Thurber Prize For Humor Writing.

This is a really fantastic book. It's clever and smart and funny. Not just make-you-kinda-smile-funny, but really-laughing funny. That's not always the case with essay collections.

(He also has two other books you should buy: Go Mutants! and I Love You Beth Cooper.)

Here's an excerpt from the book. Enjoy!

__________

Fun Times!

Do your kids like to have fun? Come to Fun Times!*

Do you like to watch your kids having fun?

Bring ’em to Fun Times!

Are your kids sullen, withdrawn, wearing a lot of black lately, and you, your life practically over, and for what?

For gosh sakes, get the whole family down to Fun Times!

Fun Times!’s “fine amusement dining” is the most fun you can have, legally, in the United States right now. Why spend thou- sands of dollars flying to Disney World when you can spend less than half of that indoors and malaria-free, within a day’s drive of most cities?

To find the Fun Times! nearest you, simply get on your favorite highway and keep going until you hear the fun! Park in any of our outer lots and hop on the Jolly Trolley,† or walk on ahead if you prefer. Once you’ve reached the Fun Times! intake office, you will be asked to fill out a few simple waivers and financial disclosure forms.

You’re moments away from fun!

Next you’ll purchase your children’s Fun Times! Happy Cards!, which can be loaded in twenty-dollar increments by Grumpy McPoops, or set to Unlimited Happiness! for kids whose parents would prefer to spend the money now, rather than later on therapy and make-goods.

You’re on the cusp of fun!

Release the children!

The first thing you’ll want to do upon entering the Fun Times! Game Dome is stagger over to the Grown-Up Pagoda and purchase a pair of ear plugs. They cost a little more, but we recom- mend Westone ES49s, the kind Pete Townshend uses to preserve what’s left of his hearing.

Now take a look around.‡ Was there ever anything this much fun when you were a kid?

Maybe there was, and your parents lied to you about it.

But you’re not them, and you don’t have to be them.

Just one look into your children’s glowing, jittery eyes will tell you how much cooler you are than they ever were.

That may not happen right away, but rest assured your kids are in here somewhere, enjoying video-game graphics almost as good as the ones at home. While you’re waiting, why not check out our costumed entertainment? We are proud to host the Medi-Cools, a cartoon menagerie developed by Hanna-Barbera for the National Institutes of Health in the seventies. Feel free to arm wrestle with Mike O’Cardial or shake hands with Whiz and Wee, the Kidney Twins, because, for the most part, the children won’t go near them.§

Don’t bother yelling; your kids can’t hear you.

Maybe you should eat something. There’s a restaurant in here, too, in the direction of the smell. For the little ones, we have pizza, fries, and chicken shapes. And, for you, six sizes of beer!

We strongly advise against searching for your kids down the Console Canyons; they’ll find their way out long before you do. What we recommend is that you pick one place and stand there.

But not there!

You’ve been Goob (TM) ed!

Don’t worry, that was gallons and gallons of totally “natural” fun,** which won’t ruin any fabric developed after 2005. That slight burning sensation is not humiliation, so relax and enjoy the laugh- ter of hundreds of children, all because of you!

And, look: here come your kids now, laughing like they’ve never laughed before, and apparently unharmed. They just want you to hold on to the six hundred game tickets they’ve accumulated so far—almost halfway to a Frog Clacker!—and then they’re gone again, into the fun.

Did they call back, “I love you, Dad,” as they slipped into the neon darkness? We think they did.

______________

* Fun Times!, formerly Fun Tymes, is not affiliated with Ye Olde Fun Tymes or the New York Times Company, and does not recognize their debts or finan- cial obligations.

† The Jolly Trolley is not operated by the Fun Times! Company, which makes no warrants as to its driver, Glenn, or to the final destination of the Trolley.

‡ Epileptics should not take a look around.

§ Ladies, please note: Dr. Lungtissue is not a licensed physician.

** Goob (TM) is a proprietary peanut-based gel, which may contain traces of pea- nuts and whole peanuts still in the shell. People who are sensitive to peanuts and/or tree nuts should have read the waiver more carefully.

Christmas Commercials: Schweppes

2011-12-05T20:24:00.002-05:00

It's the holiday season, so that means it's time to post some classic (and future classic) Christmas commercials.

This is a series of British spots for Schweppes that bring retro illustrations to life in creative ways.

Weekend Random Links

2011-11-19T11:16:00.000-05:00

Regis Philbin almost died on Letterman's show the night before he left Live with Regis & Kelly.
Are you smart?
The cold days are finally here. How about a Pumpkin-Spice Latte?
Give some cash for this typewriter documentary on Kickstarter.
Buy something for Thanksgiving at The Vermont Country Store.
Jim Romenesko's site hasn't launched yet, but you might as well bookmark it now.
Our friend David Barringer kept a notebook about his trip to New York.

Before E-mail, Before Texting, Before Skype

2011-11-10T10:43:00.000-05:00

[via The Atlantic]

Update: The PBJ Cocktail Contest

2011-11-09T14:37:00.002-05:00

A while back I mentioned our contest where readers can create an original Professor Barnhardt's Journal cocktail. Prizes and everything.

There's still time to get your cocktail recipe in. I'd like to have a winner announced on December 1, so I can publish the winning entry and everyone can enjoy one or two PBJ cocktails for the holidays. Take a look at the rules and prizes here and send the recipe via e-mail.

Thanks!

Happy Birthday, Johnny Rivers!

2011-11-07T12:30:00.001-05:00

Bill Crider mentioned on Twitter that it's Johnny Rivers' birthday, so I thought I'd show this clip of him performing "Secret Agent Man" on TV in the 60's.

There are several versions of the song on YouTube, but I picked this one for several reasons. One, he's actually singing, not lip-syncing. Two, there are some great horns added to the live version that makes it sound very James Bond-ish. And three...it's introduced by Judy Garland!

Reege Against The Machines

2011-11-03T12:20:00.000-04:00

Funny as hell.

[via TheFW]

Tony La Russa On To Tell The Truth

2011-10-21T09:13:00.001-04:00

Since the St. Louis Cardinals are in the World Series (tied with the Texas Rangers 1-1 as I type this), here's video of Tony La Russa on To Tell The Truth, as "the youngest manager in baseball." (Side note: have we decided on how to spell his last name yet? I've seen it as both La Russa and LaRussa.)

[via Will Leitch]

Wednesday Random Links

2011-10-12T14:24:00.001-04:00

A look at the directors behind food and restaurant TV commercials.
Merrill Markoe on Susan Orlean's book Rin Tin Tin: The Life and the Legend.
These Apple Spice Jumbo Pie Cupcakes look fantastic.
An oral history of the American soap opera.
Everything you need to know about iOS5 in seven minutes.
Five things you may have missed in the Avengers trailer.
If you missed it last week, my essay about Andy Rooney is up at CliqueClack TV.

Steve Jobs: 1955-2011

2011-10-06T16:43:00.000-04:00

Happy 9th Anniversary, PBJ!

2011-10-02T11:32:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was the ninth anniversary of Professor Barnhardt's Journal. I planned to have a special day or week of posts to celebrate, but then I thought, why do that when we can have a giant, pull-out-all-the-stops extravaganza next year when it's the 10th anniversary?

But that doesn't mean we won't have anything this week. Check back tomorrow!

The Most Important Music Video You'll Ever Watch

2011-09-20T15:43:00.000-04:00

Please forward this to all of your friends.

The Flintstones Love Skippy Peanut Butter

2011-09-13T13:04:00.001-04:00

Why am I posting this today? Flintstones anniversary? Someone in the cast die? Did they stop making Skippy? No, it's just because I came across it in my surfing. Enjoy!

Hey, That IS Surprising

2011-09-06T00:03:00.001-04:00

[via Found In Mom's Basement]

Labor Day Random Links

2011-09-03T12:54:00.004-04:00

CliqueClack TV has the complete guide to when all the new and returning shows start their fall seasons.
How hard is it to get a cartoon in The New Yorker?
The Belated Nerd: "Science Fiction, Comic Book, and Pop Culture News...From 50 Years Ago!"
Terrific AV Club interview with Patton Oswalt.
Great collection of Nick at Nite title cards from the 80s and 90s.
Paul McCartney interviews Doris Day, who has a new album out this week.
One last summertime recipe: Lemonade Ice Cream Pie!
The Labor Day Telethon just won't be the same without Jerry.

The Return Of ZaRex

2011-09-01T20:54:00.001-04:00

Back when I was a little kid - I'm going to guess it was between the ages of 8 and 11 - I decided to go to the supermarket down the street to get some ZaRex (for those of you not familiar with ZaRex, it was a flavored liquid concentrate you mixed with water. My favorite was grape). I think I might have seen a TV commercial for it or maybe my mother had bought it at one time and I wanted it again, so I went to the store and bought some myself.

I didn't realize that you had to mix it with water. So I drank it straight. It was very thick and very sweet.

Now comes word that ZaRex is coming back to stores! Woo-hoo!

Coming Soon: Hand Lotion That Smells Like Bacon

2011-08-31T00:01:00.002-04:00

For those of you who have been wondering why someone hasn't invented Spam in a tube that you can spread on your lips, here ya go.

[via The L.A. Times and Think Geek, with thanks to Jade Walker for the heads up.]

Flip

2011-08-29T21:56:00.002-04:00

A beautiful short film by Kirk Demarais (click on the arrows next to the Vimeo logo to make it full screen).

Wednesday Random Links

2011-08-17T12:45:00.001-04:00

Time picks the 50 best web sites of 2011 (in August?).
You missed Happy Strangers Day.
What's wrong with the culture of critique.
I don't watch a lot of reality TV, but the right person won The Next Food Network Star. It was obvious from the beginning.
101 ways to save Apple, revisited.
It doesn't matter what Amy Sedaris is selling, I'm buying.

Happy Belated Birthday, Lucy!

2011-08-07T21:33:00.000-04:00

I should have posted this on Saturday, Lucille Ball's 100th birthday, but better late than never. Footage of a 1951 I Love Lucy episode, shot by someone in the audience. In color!

<br>

He Checked His Look In The Mirror And Changed His Clothes And His Hair

2011-08-03T14:43:00.001-04:00

They must have said, "hey Bruce! Why don't you dress up like a cross between Robin Williams and the guy from Loverboy and we'll film you dancing alone. In the dark!" Compare it to the one that eventually aired.

Contest: Create The Professor Barnhardt's Journal Cocktail!

2011-07-31T14:33:00.004-04:00

I think everyone should have a cocktail named after them. Hey, why not, right? And I can't think of a more worthy recipient than the guy on the left.

So here's a contest: come up with the Professor Barnhardt's Journal cocktail! Maybe bars will start serving it along with Negronis and Manhattans.

It's not that easy to come up with an original cocktail without accidentally copying the recipe for another cocktail. There are only so many combinations out there (logical combinations - I don't want something that combines milk, Miller Lite, and Tabasco-infused lemonade). So give it some thought. Some rules:

It has to be a cocktail. A beer and a shot isn't a cocktail.
It's not a requirement, but including gin would be nice.
Nothing that needs an umbrella.

Send your recipes via e-mail, with "PBJ cocktail" in the subject line. The winner gets the recipe listed here, a link back to their site, and something from the PBJ bag of fun, a DVD set or a book, something I know you'll like.

Finally! The Trailer For Drive Is Here!

2011-07-21T22:34:00.001-04:00

Based on the great novel by James Sallis (it's a "red band" trailer, by the way):

More Drive (2011) Videos

Weekend Random Links

2011-07-15T14:47:00.002-04:00

Some links for your weekend surfing:

Hey, Lawrence Block is blogging!
Get in your car and hit the road to discover some cool places to eat.
This story on the return of the soda jerk is great until the quote in the last paragraph.
Comic-Con is next week. Keep track of everything here.
I'm Remembering!
Is there an analog renaissance going on?
The Boston Globe is doing a Recipe Box Project.

Yeah, This Commercial Is Rather Odd

2011-07-12T11:38:00.001-04:00

[via Adfreak]

Ross Macdonald: December 13, 1915-July 11, 1983

2011-07-11T14:59:00.001-04:00

Ross Macdonald, along with Robert B. Parker (the Spenser novels) is the guy who got me hooked on detective fiction. I devoured all of their books, and then went on to Chandler and Hammett and Goodis. Macdonald died 28 years ago today.

People always try to put genre writers - whether they are mystery writers or science fiction writers - into another category, as if genre writers aren't good writers in general. That there's something lacking or something subpar in their writing that puts them in a category just below "literary" writers. T.C. Boyle has this attitude, and it's a little sick. Read Ross Macdonald and you'll see that.

And you might as well start at the beginning, the first Lew Archer novel, 1949's The Moving Target. There are many more novels, as well as several short stories featuring Archer.

James Arness And The CBS Bloopers

2011-07-09T22:25:00.000-04:00

I meant to post this back in early June when James Arness passed away. It's a promo reel he hosted for CBS affiliates back in the 1950s, showing bloopers and other outtakes from CBS shows.

It's easy to forget that once upon a time there were 470 Westerns on TV at the same time.

Book Excerpt: Claire DeWitt And The City Of The Dead

2011-07-05T11:44:00.002-04:00

Today we have an excerpt from the new novel by Sara Gran (Dope, Come Closer), Claire DeWitt and the City of the Dead. Alafair Burke says the book is "...a cool blend of Nancy Drew and Sid Vicious...Sara Gran has pulled the traditional female sleuth into the 21st century with a novel that's smart and hip, dark and funny."

That's a really good description, actually.

***

Claire DeWitt and the City of the Dead

by Sara Gran

Chapter One

"It’s my uncle," the man said on the phone. "He’s lost. We lost him in the storm."

"Lost?" I said. "You mean, he drowned?"

"No," the man said, distressed. "Lost. I mean, yeah, he probably drowned. Probably dead. I haven’t heard from him or anything. I can’t imagine how he could still be alive."

"So what’s the mystery?" I said.

A crow flew overhead as we talked. I was in Northern California, near Santa Rosa. I sat at a picnic table by a clump of redwoods. A blue jay squawked nearby. Crows used to be bad omens, but now they were so common that it was hard to say.

Omens change. Signs shifts. Nothing is permanent.

That night I dreamed I was back in New Orleans. I hadn’t been there in ten years. But now, in my dream, it was during the flood. I sat on a rooftop in the cool, dark night. Moonlight reflected off the water around me. It was quiet. Everyone was gone.

Across the street a man sat on another rooftop in a straight-backed chair. The man flickered in and out of focus like an old piece of film, burned through in spots from light. He was fifty or sixty, white, pale, just on this side of short, with salt-and-pepper hair and bushy eyebrows. He wore a three-piece black suit with a high collar and a black tie. He scowled.

The man looked at me sternly.

"If I told you the truth plainly," the man said, "you would not understand." His voice was scratchy and warped, like an old record. But I could still make out the tinge of a French accent. "If life gave you answers outright, they would be meaningless. Each detective must take her clues and solve her mysteries for herself. No one can solve your mystery for you; a book cannot tell you the way."

Now I recognized the man; it was, of course, Jacques Silette, the great French detective. The words were from his one and only book, Détection.

I looked around and in the black night I saw a light shimmering in the distance. As the light got closer I saw that it was a rowboat with a lantern attached to the bow.

I thought it had come to rescue us. But it was empty.

"No one will save you," Silette said from his rooftop. "No one will come. You are alone in your search; no friend, no lover, no God from above will come to your aid. Your mysteries are yours alone."

Silette faded in and out, flickering in the moonlight.

"All I can do is leave you clues," he said. "And hope that you will not only solve your mysteries, but choose carefully the clues you leave behind. Make your choices wisely, ma’moiselle. The mysteries you leave will last for lifetimes after you are gone.

"Remember: you are the only hope for those that come after you."

I woke up coughing, spitting water out of my mouth.

That morning I talked to my doctor about the dream. Then I called the man back. I took the case.

Happy Fourth Of July From The Cleavers!

2011-07-01T12:22:00.002-04:00

Monday Random Links

2011-06-27T00:10:00.002-04:00

A bunch of links to start off your week:

Whatever Happened To Pudding Pops?, the new 70s and 80s pop culture book by Gael Fashingbauer and Brian Bellmont, has been released. It's a really fun read. (Also check out their site, Gen X-tinct.)
Elvis Costello and his band perform "Purple Rain."
Made a cake? Top it with some cola frosting.
Don Diamond, who played Crazy Cat on F Troop, has died.
Vintage Crime/Black Lizard has launched a new site, The Weekly Lizard.
Jetpack Mailmen is a great idea for an animated TV show.
Speaking of men with jetpacks on their backs, animator John Banana has made a great short film based on The Rocketeer.

Peter Falk: 1927-2011

2011-06-25T10:37:00.001-04:00

Falk passed away on Thursday. Here he is on an episode of The Dean Martin Roast, playing Columbo.

Martha Stewart: 1955 Lifebuoy Commercial

2011-06-23T18:33:00.004-04:00

She was a teenager when she filmed this ad.

And Now, Someone Makes Some Tiny Hamburgers

2011-06-23T16:05:00.001-04:00

I don't really understand this, but it's rather mesmerizing. One of the Next Food Network Star contestants should use this as the basis for their show.

[More videos over at Boing Boing]

What Cigarette Do You Smoke, Doctor?

2011-06-21T16:36:00.002-04:00

Book Excerpt: Lee Goldberg's "Watch Me Die"

2011-06-16T16:34:00.007-04:00

Today we have a treat: the first chapter of Lee Goldberg's novel Watch Me Die. It's a massively entertaining read, so go over to his site and read more about it.

***

WATCH ME DIE
by Lee Goldberg

Chapter One

I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE ever read John D. MacDonald’s Travis McGee books before. McGee is sort of a private eye who lives in Florida on a houseboat he won in a poker game. While solving mysteries, he helps a lot of ladies in distress. The way he helps them is by fucking their brains out and letting them cook his meals, do his laundry, and scrub the deck of his boat for a few weeks. These women, McGee calls them “wounded birds,” are always very grateful that he does this for them.

To me, that’s a perfect world.

I wanted his life.

This is the story of what I did to get it.

My name is Harvey Mapes. I’m twenty-nine years old, six
feet tall, and I’m in fair shape. I suppose I’d be better-looking if I exercised and stopped eating fast-food three times a day, but I won’t, so I won’t.

I’m a security guard. My job is to sit in a little, Mediterranean-style stucco shack from midnight until eight a.m. six days a week, outside the fountains and gates of Bel Vista Estates, a private community of million-dollar-plus homes in the Spanish Hills area of Camarillo, California.

The homes at Bel Vista Estates are built on a hillside above the farms of Pleasant Valley, the Ventura Freeway, and a really great outlet mall, about a quarter of the way between Los Angeles and Santa Barbara. I say that so you can appreciate the kind of drive to work I have to make each night from my one-bedroom apartment in Northridge.

There are worse jobs.

Most of the time, I just sit there looking at my black and white monitor, which is split into quarters and shows me three different views of the gate and a wide angle of an intersection up the hill inside the community. I’m supposed to watch the intersection to see if people run the stop sign, and if they do, I’m supposed to write them a “courtesy ticket” when they come through the gate.

I’d like to meet the asshole who came up with that.

It’s no courtesy to give one, and the folks who live here certainly don’t think it’s a courtesy to take one. Most of the time, they don’t even stop to get it from me; they just laugh or flip me off or ignore me altogether.

And why shouldn’t they? It’s not like I’m going to chase them down to the freeway or put a lien on their homes.

Enforcement really isn’t my job anyway. I’m there to give the illusion of security. I don’t have a gun, a badge, or even a working stapler. If there’s any real trouble, which there never is, I’m supposed to call my supervisor and he’ll send a car out.

The guys in the car, guys so inept and violent the police department wouldn’t hire them, are the “armed response team” the company advertises. If I were a resident, I’d feel safer taking my chances with the robber, rapist, or ax murderer.

I’m just the guy in the shack. The one who either waves you through and opens the gate, or stops you to see if you’ve got a pass. If you do, or if I get the homeowner on the phone and he says you’re okay, then I jot your name and license number in my ledger, open the gate, and return to my reading.

I do a lot of reading, which is the one big perk of the job and, truthfully, the reason I took it in the first place, back when I was going to community college. Mostly I read paperback mysteries now, cheap stuff I get at used bookstores, and it’s probably why I was so susceptible to his offer when it came.

I guess on some level I wanted to be like the tough, self- assured, no-problem-getting-laid guys I read about. I conveniently forgot that in a typical book, those guys usually sustain at least one concussion, get shot at several times, and see a lot of people die.

It was after midnight, but still early enough that I hadn’t settled into a book yet, when Cyril Parkus drove up in his white Jaguar XJ8, the one with a forest of wood and a herd’s worth of leather inside, and instead of going through the resident lane to wait for me to open the gate, he drove right up to my window.

We’re supposed to stand up when they do that, almost at attention, like we’re soldiers or something, so I did. The people who live at Bel Vista Estates are quick to report you for the slightest infraction, especially one that might imply you aren’t acknowledging their greatness, wealth, and power.

Even just sitting in that car, Parkus exuded the kind of laid- back, relaxed charm that says to me: look how easy-going I am, it’s because I’m rich and damn happy about it. He was in his mid-thirties, the kind of tanned, well-built, tennis-playing guy who subscribes to Esquire because he sees himself in every advertisement and it makes him feel good.

In other words, he was the complete opposite of me.

I’d see him leave for work every morning around six thirty or seven a.m., and it wasn’t unusual for me to see him coming home so late. But he rarely stopped to talk to me, unless it was to leave a pass or get a package from me that his wife hadn’t picked up during the previous shift. I’d only seen his wife, Lauren Parkus, once or twice, and when I did, it was late and she was in the passenger seat of his car, her face hidden in the shadows as he sped by.

“Good evening, Mr. Parkus,” I said, adopting the cheerful, respectful, and totally false tone of voice I used with all the residents.

“How are you, Harvey?”

I caught him glancing at my nameplate as he spoke. Each guard slides his nameplate into a slot on the door at the start of his shift for exactly this reason. You can’t expect the residents to remember, or care about, the name of the guy in the shack.

“Fine, sir,” I replied. “What can I do for you?”

He smiled warmly at me, a smile as false as my cheerful respect and admiration.

“Could I ask you a couple of questions about your work, Harvey?”

“Of course, sir.”

I figured there must be a complaint coming, and this was just
his wind-up. In the back of my mind, I tried to guess what I could have done to piss him or his wife off, but I knew there wasn’t anything.

“What are your hours?” Parkus asked.

I told him. He nodded.

“And then what do you do?” he asked.

That question had nothing to do with work, and I was
tempted to tell him it was none of his fucking business, but I wanted to keep my job, and it wasn’t like there was anything in my life worth keeping private. Besides, I was curious where all this was going and how I was going to get screwed in the end. At that moment, I had no way of knowing just how bad it would be or how many people would get killed along the way.

“I usually grab something to eat at Denny’s, since they serve a decent dinner any time and have good prices, and then I go home.”

“You go right to sleep?”

“No, sir, I like to sit by the pool if it’s sunny, swim a couple of laps, maybe go to a movie or something. Then I go to bed around three in the afternoon, wake up around nine or ten, have some breakfast, and come back here for another day of work.”

“So, you only work this one job and don’t go to school or anything.”

“That’s right, sir.”

Parkus nodded, satisfied. Apparently, I told him what he wanted to hear. I confirmed that I was a complete loser and that yes, his life was a lot better than mine.

“Could I meet you at Denny’s in the morning and buy you dinner?” he asked. “I’d like to talk over a business proposition with you.”

“Sure,” I said, too stunned to say anything more.

He drove up to the gate and waited for me to open it. I hit the button, the gate rolled open, and I watched him drive up the hill, wondering what he could possibly want from me.

I kept watching him on the monitor. I couldn’t do that with most residents, but Parkus happened to live on one of the corners of the intersection that I’m supposed to watch for those “courtesy tickets,” so technically, I wasn’t spying, I was just doing my job.

Cyril Parkus lived in a huge, Spanish-style house that had two detached garages out front and a couple of stone lions on either side of the driveway, each with one stone paw resting on a stone ball. I’ve never understood the point of those lion statues, or why rich people think it’s classy to have them. I’ve thought about buying one and sticking it in front of my apartment door, just to see how my life changes, but I don’t know what they’re called or where you find them and I probably couldn’t afford one anyway.

Once he went inside his house, the excitement was over and I was in for a long, restless night, waiting for daybreak, unaware that with the sunrise, my life would change completely.

Weekend Random Links

2011-06-11T14:17:00.001-04:00

FOP (Friend of Professor Barnhardt) Marty Beckerman has a very manly new book out that you should buy, The Heming Way.
Wikipedia and the death of the expert.
Weekend recipe: Pasta with Pesto Cream Sauce and Grape Tomatoes.
Grantland has launched.
How to become a published author in 237 simple steps.
There's a new James Bond novel, by Jeffrey Deaver.
Patton Oswalt, on memory and ownership.
Life in a Typewriter Shop.
There's a new Dick Van Dyke Show 50th Anniversary DVD set coming.
Hey, are you washing your hands the right way?

You Too Could Have A Career In Journalism!

2011-06-01T12:02:00.001-04:00

From 1940:

[via Pop Culture Junk Mail]

Not Everyone Can Be Cuckoo For Cocoa Puffs

2011-05-28T00:01:00.001-04:00

More at College Humor.

Thursday Random Links

2011-05-26T14:08:00.001-04:00

How much is a thank you note worth?
Yvette Vickers, star of such films as Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, died of heart disease. Her body went undiscovered in her home for almost a year.
A recipe that includes Philadelphia cream cheese AND Kraft caramels? I'm sold.
The L.A. Review of Books also has a blog.
Eight commercials with writers as pitchmen.
I have to get myself a cool letterhead design.
Uma, Oprah. Oprah, Opera.

Awake

2011-05-16T14:42:00.001-04:00

It's "Upfronts Week," that time of year when the TV networks announce their new shows and try to make you forget all of the new shows they were so excited about last year that have now been canceled.

This one looks interesting though: NBC's Awake, starring Jason Isaacs:

Weekend Random Links

2011-05-07T13:39:00.001-04:00

Writers (Isaac Asimov, E.B. White, and others) pen letters to the children of Troy, MI.
Food52 has six Mother's Day menus you can try.
A great archive of AT&T industrial videos from the 20s to the 70s.
An interview with Pete Hamill about his new book, Tabloid City.
The last blog post of Derek Miller.

The Most Disturbing Thing You'll See Today

2011-04-25T12:17:00.002-04:00

[via The Comics Curmudgeon]

Awwwwwwwww

2011-04-19T14:02:00.002-04:00

[via A Design A Day]

Meet George Jetson!

2011-04-03T13:13:00.002-04:00

In honor of the first issue of Paleo-Future magazine, here's the first episode of The Jetsons.

And here's Part 2.

Weekend Random Links

2011-03-19T15:21:00.001-04:00

Is Cap'n Crunch about to be retired?
In the mood for a giant cookie made in a skillet?
A history of the Hollywood sign.
Ken Jennings meets a fan.
America's Test Kitchen Radio salutes Julia Child.
My friend Jade Walker has started a new site called Night Owl News.

Erin Bried: The PBJ Interview

2011-02-26T11:55:00.002-05:00

If you had to, could you start a fire? How about sew a button on a sweater? Make a great pie? Fold a fitted sheet? Tie a tie (correctly)? Fix things around the house? Save money? Change a flat tire? Make the perfect martini? Buy a house? These are all very basic things to know how to do, but it seems like a lot of people nowadays have forgotten those basics.

Luckily, Erin Bried realized that. She's the author of two fantastic, must-have books, How To Sew A Button - where she sought the wisdom and advice of grandmothers - and How To Build A Fire - wisdom and advice from grandfathers. I talked to her recently about how she got the idea for the books and what she learned herself.

So, how did How to Sew a Button come about?

It all started with a lousy pie. I had some friends over for dinner, and I tried to make them a strawberry-rhubarb pie for dessert. Only, I accidentally bought Swiss Chard instead of rhubarb, and I made the pie using the bitter vegetable's stems (ahem, the parts you usually throw away).

When I was kid, I used to clip rhubarb out of the garden with my grandmother, and as an adult, I found myself in a position where I couldn't even identify it in a grocery store. It got me thinking, What else had I forgotten or never learned in the first place? How to Sew a Button is the answer to that.

Since my own grandmothers are no longer alive, I reached out to ten grandmothers, ages 80 and up, from all across the country. They taught me not only how to bake a pie, clean with baking soda and mix a good martini, but also how to have a happy marriage, be a good friend and find self-confidence.

And of course, after learning so much and hearing so many wonderful stories from the grandmothers I interviewed for Button, I couldn't help but wonder, What could our grandfathers teach us? That's when I decided to write How to Build a Fire.

Did you find that you didn't know a lot of this stuff yourself?

Well, I knew how to do a few of the things myself, like wielding a hammer, hanging drywall and painting a room. That's because I bought a fixer-upper in Brooklyn many years ago, and after getting so many shockingly high estimates from contractors, I decided to, for better or worse, take things into my own hands. (I sure wish my grandfather was around to walk me through it. Instead, I had to rely on library books.) Many of the rest of the skills in the book I learned for the first time, and I firmly believe that if can do them, then anyone can.

Do you think these tips are somehow lost or overlooked by younger people? This is very wise, back-to-basics advice that seems older generations would know but younger people might not, like how to start a fire, sew a button, how to cook a steak, or write a real letter (not an e-mail or a text message). It really is like Chuck Tatum says, that people would be better people if they read books like this.

Thanks! I think many of these skills tend to skip a generation because of either our reliance on or rebellion against our parents. That is, if our parents know how to do something, like sew a button or build a fire, we, as children, rely on them to to perform these services for us. Or often times, because they know how to do these things, we rebel against learning how to do them for ourselves in an effort to chart our own course (or maybe just annoy them). But now that the economy has gone into the crapper, we no longer have the luxury of relying on others do for us what we should do for ourselves. We've got to step up and learn how to take care of ourselves. I've found that doing so has not only saved me time and money, but it's also given me a new sense of confidence and pride.

What surprised you the most when talking to grandmothers and grandfathers?

I was surprised at just how blurry the gender lines were between what we think of as traditionally male and female tasks. Al Sulka, an 88-year-old steel bender near Chicago, told me how he learned how to iron at age 17: “When I was in the CCCs [Civilian Conservation Corps], I had a side job. I used to iron shirts for 15 cents and pants for 10 cents. I’d have to put three pleats in the back and one on each pocket. We had no electricity, so you had to heat the irons on a stove. Later, I used to iron my daughter’s pleated skirts for school. One day, the nun says to her, ‘Boy, your mother does a good job!’ She says, ‘My dad does it!’ I was so proud.” And Lucile Frisbee, 80, of Delhi, New York, told me how she'd do whatever was required of her, even the so-called typically male tasks, like chopping firewood, to help her family. She explained that during the Depression, there was just so much work to be done that, when it came down to it, there was “no men’s work” or “women’s work.” “There was just work,” she said, “and whoever was around was expected to chip in.”

I've heard a lot of people say How to Sew a Button is ""the girl book" and How to Build a Fire is "the boy book," but our grandparents surely wouldn't have thought of them that way. As they'd tell you, everyone, man or woman, should know how to cook a meal, sew a button, change a flat tire, and make his or her own fun.

Have you given any idea on what the third book in the series will be? You've done grandmothers and grandfathers, so who's next?

Stay tuned!

(Buy How To Sew A Button. Buy How To Build A Fire.)

No Whammys! No Whammys! No Whammys...Stop!

2011-02-14T12:00:00.001-05:00

Starting tonight on Jeopardy, champions Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter battle IBM's Watson computer. But long before Jeopardy, Watson was a contestant on several other game shows.

Who Were The Four Bugs?

2011-02-05T13:37:00.001-05:00

Here's Alex Trebek in 1963, hosting a Canadian music show (1:15 mark):

Random Links

2011-01-30T14:37:00.001-05:00

This marinated carrot salad actually sounds fantastic.
The best and worst infomercials on TV right now.
Slate reviews snack mixes.
Confused by bolts? You won't be after seeing this handy chart!
I had Chutes Away! when I was a kid. It was rather disappointing.
Drive, the movie based on James Sallis' novel, will be released in September.
Atomic Living: a great blog by single dad raising his son in the house he grew up in.

Flashback: Keith Olbermann

2011-01-22T13:46:00.001-05:00

Keith Olbermann left MSNBC last night, and I thought it would be a good time to link to the interview I did with him for PBJ back when he started on Countdown.

Gee Our Old LaSalle Ran Great

2011-01-12T09:18:00.001-05:00

Today is the 40th anniversary of All in the Family. Here are 12 really funny moments from the show (including an appearance by Sammy Davis Jr.)

Random Links

2011-01-09T15:35:00.001-05:00

The funniest book review you'll read this year.
My favorite scene in Frosty the Snowman is when he melts. So I'm going to make these cookies.
Dilbert creator Scott Adams on confidence.
In other comics news, here's a note from The Far Side's Gary Larson.
Copy this text and put it in your Facebook status.
Dick Cavett on writing for Jerry Lewis.
It's cold out. Time for 20 different kinds of hot chocolate.

Gerry Rafferty: 1947-2011

2011-01-04T15:38:00.001-05:00

OWNed

2011-01-03T20:53:00.001-05:00

What happens when a guy watches The Oprah Winfrey Network for 9 hours straight?

This.

What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

2010-12-31T19:40:00.001-05:00

Random Links: All Christmas Edition!

2010-12-22T13:48:00.001-05:00

It's A Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th Street are great films, but if you're looking for something different to watch, here are nine lesser-known Christmas movies from the 1940s.
A recipe for Red Velvet Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting.
...and seven more for cookies and bars.
David Sedaris reads from his Santaland Diaries.
Last minute gifts for the geek in your family. And more!
Did Facebook kill the Christmas card?
What would Christmas be without some awkward family photos?
How the TV yule log became a Christmas tradition.
Over at Rifftrax, Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
Here are a bunch of cocktails to make for your party, including one called Why Santa Has A Naughty List.
And here's Nat King Cole singing "The Christmas Song" live.

Merry Christmas!

Attention!

2010-12-13T15:01:00.002-05:00

Just so everyone knows, someone has taken the old address for PBJ - http://bobsassone.typepad.com - and has reproduced the PBJ magazine content on their site. I've exchanged e-mails with Six Apart (who owns Typepad) and they tell me they see no copyright infringement and anyone can use a URL once I cancel my account (which is true, but they shouldn't be able to steal my content). They want me to file a copyright infringement notice. Or something.

I'm considering legal action against Six Apart and SAY Media, their new owners. But in the meantime, please bookmark this site as the real PBJ and disregard the old Typepad address. Thanks.

What If Wile E. Coyote And The Road Runner Were Human?

2010-12-04T21:21:00.001-05:00

Leslie Nielsen: 1926-2010

2010-11-28T23:14:00.001-05:00

(Parts 2 and 3.)

New Address

2010-11-27T19:46:00.002-05:00

Yup, I've switched things over to Blogger. Please update your bookmarks/links/feeds, etc. Thanks!

Random Links

2010-11-13T11:36:00.000-05:00

Nora Ephron has a new book of essays, I Remember Nothing, and she's interviewed here, here, here, here, and here. Oh and here, here, and here too.
Life on the content farm.
A defense of writing longhand.
Nom, nom, nom: coconut chocolate chip blondies.
The only thing weirder than this Family Feud contestant's answer is that he got it right (well, with help from the judges).

She Had A Good Feeling About This

2010-11-06T09:00:00.000-04:00

Years ago I solved a Wheel of Fortune puzzle with no letters revealed at all. Nobody believes me. At least this woman has proof you don't need most of the puzzle shown to actually win:

Doris Day

2010-11-03T08:31:00.000-04:00

Doris Day never gives interviews, but she spoke with WNYC/SIRIUS XM host Jonathan Schwartz last week and it's well worth a listen.

One Dumb New Product (And One Great One)

2010-11-01T09:51:00.004-04:00

Saw these at the store last week and had to buy them:

The problem? You really can't have chips shaped like anything. 90% of the chips in this bag are either broken or crushed into dust, which means they don't resemble footballs at all. And the 10% that actually survive from the factory intact don't look like footballs either. They're just giant, kinda-oval shaped tortilla chips.

If you were to poll people on what these things are supposed to be, they'd probably say "the soles of shoes?" Or maybe they'd say "um, tortilla chips?"

But here's a new product that's brilliant:

Yes!

I often break up my spaghetti like this, especially if I'm making a pasta dish that includes chicken or meat. It's a nice change in texture from long spaghetti, and you can do more with it. It's also great for chicken noodle soup. I wonder why it took someone so long to do this?

Random Links

2010-10-28T07:38:00.001-04:00

It's Halloween, so how about 100 horror movie spoilers in 5 minutes?
12 soups to warm you up this fall.
Amy Sedaris picks her favorite things.
So is it "I could care less" or "I couldn't care less"? The Boston Globe investigates.
John Scalzi on why publishing isn't going away anytime soon.
Lesley M.M. Blume has a new book out, Let's Bring Back. You should buy it.

NBC On The Future Of Television

2010-10-25T09:23:00.000-04:00

From the mid-80s:

[via Boing Boing]

Barbara Billingsley: 1915-2010

2010-10-16T18:12:00.001-04:00

More.

Random Links

2010-10-14T10:08:00.001-04:00

Making sense of recipes.
Here's the full text of Don Draper's ad in The New York Times.
A great blog I discovered recently, 1950s Atomic Ranch House.
Zack Galifianakis interviews Bruce Willis, between two ferns.
Flavorpill has some great ideas for pop culture-oriented Halloween costumes.
E.B. White on leaving NYC for Maine and finding time to write.

It's Kind Of A Funny Story

2010-10-11T11:07:00.001-04:00

The movie based on my friend Ned Vizzini's novel It's Kind of a Funny Story is out now. Please go see it (and if you haven't read the book, get it!).

The Haunted World Of Ed Wood

2010-10-10T07:33:00.000-04:00

Writer/director Ed Wood Jr. would have been 86 today.

Here's an interesting documentary about Wood, available on the Ed Wood Box DVD set. You should also watch the Johnny Depp flick Ed Wood today if you haven't seen it (or even if you have).

What Would Airplane Be Like Without The Jokes?

2010-10-09T08:51:00.000-04:00

And don't say Zero Hour!.

This is a video someeone put together that shows what Airplane would be like if you took out all the jokes. If you know the movie it's still kinda funny, because the acting is over the top and you know when the jokes are supposed to come.

[via Boing Boing]

Hey, It's Our 8th Anniversary

2010-10-08T08:32:00.001-04:00

There are many things that debuted the first week of October, including Charles Schulz's Peanuts in 1950 and The Twilight Zone in 1959. It also marks the 8th anniversary of Professor Barnhardt's Journal! October 1, to be exact.

I had planned a great, festive week of special posts and interviews with people who've written for PBJ and maybe even a contest with a fabulous prize, and then...well, I didn't do any of that. Real life got in the way and the date slipped by and I think it would be a little lame to do it a week later. But maybe big celebrations like that are what 10th anniversaries are made for.

(That's the original PBJ logo from 2002. Maybe I'll bring it back at some point.)

Happy 50th Anniversary, Flintstones!

2010-09-30T09:18:00.001-04:00

I've posted this Flintstones commercial before but it's such an interesting TV curio that here it is again for today's 50th Anniversary.

Come To Papa, Weakest Link, Emeril Show, Made Me Drink!

2010-09-30T07:45:00.000-04:00

Oooooo, Scary!

2010-09-28T09:30:00.002-04:00

I didn't even know they weren't around anymore, but General Mills is bringing back Count Chocula, Boo Berry, and Frankenberry cereals. They'll be available until Halloween, in new, modern boxes.

Here's a commercial from the 70s featuring all three:

[via Pop Candy]

By The Way...

2010-09-28T07:49:00.000-04:00

If you're looking for bobsassone.com, it's here. Professor Barnhardt's Journal will remain here.

And Now, The Guy Who Hates Pennies

2010-09-27T15:00:00.000-04:00

[via Kottke]

Friday Links

2010-09-24T11:33:00.002-04:00

Judge Judy, at half speed for some reason.
I think I'm going to make some Buffalo Chicken Mac & Cheese this weekend.
A pizza cutter shaped like Star Trek's Enterprise? Sure, why not?
Goodbye, Jeff Zucker.
They found something interesting in Bing Crosby's wine cellar.

Commercial Hell: The Snuggie Meets The Macarena

2010-09-21T10:24:00.000-04:00

Two annoying pop culture phenomenons, together for the first (and hopefully last) time.

Introducing The New Drew Carey

2010-09-20T09:25:00.000-04:00

I have a new post over at TV Squad about the new season of The Price is Right.
They have a new game, new announcer(s), and a new host! Well, same
host, different body. Here's a behind the scenes video that explains
more.

Recipe Of The Day: Apple Harvest Soup

2010-09-17T13:24:00.000-04:00

Noshtalgia is one of my favorite food sites, and Julie is starting to post some fall-ish recipes. As someone who hates summer but loves fall I welcome the change in the weather. Here's her latest recipe. It's for Apple Harvest Soup.

Apple Harvest Soup

4 slices day old bread

3 apples, peeled, cored, and sliced

1 lg. butternut squash, peeled and sliced

2 med. onions, sliced

4 c. chicken stock, canned or homemade

3/4 tsp. dried tarragon

Salt and pepper to taste

1/2 c. apple wine, may substitute with apple cider

1/2 c. heavy cream

Sour cream

Make bread crumbs of the bread.
Place in stockpot with all ingredients up to apple wine. Simmer 30
minutes until vegetables are tender. Puree the mixture and reheat to
simmer. Add the apple wine and cream - do not boil. To serve, garnish
with dabs of sour cream.

Barbara Holland

2010-09-15T10:12:00.000-04:00

I don't mean to turn this into the all-obituary blog, but I wanted to mention that writer Barbara Holland passed away last week. If you're not familar with her work, check out Endangered Pleasures, Wasn't The Grass Greener? (both essay collections about the way things used to be), and When All The World Was Young, a memoir about growing up in the 40s and 50s.

Oddly, I had actually e-mailed her the day before she passed away.

It's A Little Early For This, But...

2010-09-14T09:57:00.000-04:00

The voice of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer has died. He was actually voiced by a woman, Billie Mae Richards, credited as Billy Richards in the special. Here's the scene where Rudolph meets Hermey: