New site

PBJ is now located here, so I can keep all of my sites under one roof (or at least try to). These archives will remain here however.

Tips For Winter Trips

by Ken Levine

Traveling is a nightmare anyway, but during the winter it gets even worse. But fear not, blog faithful. Here are some suggestions for winter air travel:

Check the weather forecast. If it’s not 72 degrees and clear EVERYWHERE in the United States, reschedule.

Do not call the airline for a weather update. You’ll learn it’s cool and overcast in New Delhi.

Allow two hours before the flight, ten hours for the tarmac, two hours for the unscheduled fuel stop, and two hours to retrieve your luggage. And if you’re flying from LA to San Francisco, 45 minutes for the flight itself.

If you print your ticket on one of those self-help stations realize that the chances of it working are the same as five cherries coming up on a slot machine.

Best to print your ticket at home the night before along with the flight schedules of every other airline going to your destination, airport shuttle schedules, Amtrak schedules, and the 1-800 numbers for Ramada, Holiday Inn, Hilton, Marriott, Quality Inn, Best Western, and the YMCA.

Never turn in your rental car until it’s the final boarding call on your flight.

Never fly to, from, or around Chicago.

Always use skycaps. And if you choose to ever see your luggage again, tip.

Remember: “the white zones are for assholes in SUV’s only”.

You are allowed several little three-ounce bottles of something but not one three-and-a-half-ounce bottle of the same thing.

You might want to put that Astroglide into a nondescript little bottle.

Don't book connecting flights in the winter, even in Hawaii.

Don't buy furniture off the Sky Mall.

Don’t have children if you plan on flying anytime in the next fifteen years. Even if it’s one trip.

If they announce they’re overbooked and are looking for volunteers to take a later plane for free trips take it. The flight is going to be cancelled anyway. And you’ll have a jump at getting reservations at the airport Hilton.

Have your laptop, iPod, cellphone, iPhone, Gameboy, Blackberry, camcorder, transistor radio, electric razor, hand held fan, and pacemaker fully charged. Ten hours on the tarmac is a long time.

Upgrade.

Before you get on the flight take Airborne, water, Xanex, Oscillococcinum, Claritan, Ambien, and tequila.

Fake a limp so you can pre-board and guarantee there will be room in the overhead compartments for your stuff.

Bring your own DVD’s, music selection, food, blankets, pillows, reading light, water, magazines, newspapers, coffee, toilet paper. And just to be on the safe side, your own oxygen masks and floatation devices.

But it’s not a good time to catch up on the first season of LOST.

Play the drinking game. Take a swig every time you hear “we apologize for the inconvenience”. Not recommended for those unwilling to get completely shitfaced.

Drinking game #2: “We thank you for your patience.”

Don’t kid yourself. EVERYONE is flying “stand by”.

The scary part used to be the landing. Now it’s pushing off from the gate.

Beware of free Wifi hotspots in airport terminals. Hackers use these to break into your computer. Not a joke.

It’s quieter and smoother in the front of the plane. And screw what they say, if you’re in Coach and you want to use the bathroom go to the ones in First Class.

And finally, always remember: it’s NEVER the airlines' fault. It’s the weather, air traffic controllers, mechanical problems, baggage handler strike, FAA rules, homeland security, airport restrictions, lawmakers, the billy goat curse, lunar eclipses, and most of all -- the media.

Friday Quick Links

Tomato Soup Cake. Mmmmmmm? [via Scrubbles]
Good interview with Tina Fey and her husband.
Roger Ebert vs. Ben Stein.
Fimoculous has the list of lists again this year.
The state of the cookie.
Bettie Page has passed away.
Bad Christmas commercials.
Good Christmas commercials.

The Election So Far: An A To Z Guide

by Joe Lavin

A is for Alaska, no longer a forgotten state.

B is for the Bridge to Nowhere, which used to go to the 21st Century until it was diverted.

C is for change. Of what exactly, we're not entirely sure, but we know we like it.

D is for diner, a popular establishment in which crying is encouraged. Also, try their Belgian Waffle special.

E is for earmark, what we'll all give to McCain if we have to hear about them one more time.

F is for the fundamentals of our economy, the strength of which you may not have noticed while trying to fill your gas tank. Luckily, both campaigns agree that the fundamentals of our economy are at least fundamental.

G is for game changer. Ninety seconds after an event, it is always important to ask yourself if that event is a game changer.

H is for hope, Barack Obama's hope that the hockey moms don't beat up all the soccer moms, thus costing him the election.

I is for insider, now the dirtiest word in politics.

J is for Joe Six-Pack, who was probably watching the game rather than the debate.

K is for kitchen table, where late at night the most enlightened conversations are taking place. Well, not at mine, but apparently at everyone else's.

L is for lipstick, good for people or pigs, but not pit bulls.

M is for maverick, a word not mentioned this much on TV since the days of James Garner.

N is for the New York Stock Exchange. Thank God we have an election to distract us from all the depressing issues.

O is for oversight, which would be much more useful if it weren't so easily confused with hindsight.

P is for patriotism, alternately defined as "rich people paying more taxes" or "getting government off our backs."

Q is for question, which it is no longer necessary to answer in a debate.

R is for regulation which so many were against before they were for it.

S is for street, of which the only ones that apparently matter are Main and Wall.

T is for the tingling feeling that'll go up your leg when this election is finally over.

U is for unfiltered, a popular synonym for "no follow-up questions."

V is for Vladimir Putin, currently in a boat off the coast of Alaska, just waiting to pounce.

W is for W embedded in the White House.

X is for Ex-President, which he soon will be.

Y is for YouTube, the perfect place for all your slandering campaign needs.

Z is for zero, the number of times in the next three weeks you'll want to turn on your television for fear of seeing yet another campaign commercial.

Tuesday Quick Links

Clever.
Jack Handey on the humor section.
Dick Cavett remembers Paul Newman.
A profile of Kenny Shopsin.
Spidercakes...mmmmmmmm.
Fascinating: The Living Room Candidate, a look at political commercials from 1952-2008.

Imaginary Athletics

by Joe Lavin

Here's a little peek into my adolescent life. When going through boxes in my parent's house, I discovered a whole set of APBA basketball and football games that I used to play. For the uninitiated, APBA is essentially role-playing games for sports. With dice, player cards, a special board, and a complete lack of girls in my life, the thirteen-year-old me was able to create an imaginary sports world where the 1962 Boston Celtics could meet the 1983 Philadelphia 76ers in a best-of-seven series.

Now, of course, I am an adult and would never bother wasting my time with something as ridiculous as an imaginary sporting event. Well, except for fantasy baseball, because you know that's entirely different.

I even found the score sheets I had filled out. For example, those 1962 Celtics were able to beat the 1983 76ers 118-113 in game four to even up the series 2-2. Frank Ramsey of the '62 Celtics scored 34 points and was named the game's MVP. Yes, apparently I even chose an MVP for each game. I did remember to mention the part about not really knowing any girls yet, right?

I suppose this wouldn't be so bad, if I had played with a friend, parent, or brother. But I was an only child. As far as I can remember, I would play most of these games on my own, dutifully coaching both sides at once. Let's just say that it's a safe bet that Philadelphia was not quite as well-coached as my favorite team, the Boston Celtics. I don't know who ended up winning the best-of-seven series, but I wouldn't be surprised if Boston somehow won game 7 in dramatic fashion after the Philadelphia coach accidentally forgot to have Dr. J in the game during the final seconds.

Not surprisingly, the 1981 Celtics also seemed to be winning their series against the 1972 Lakers. Unfortunately, my entire tournament to discover the best basketball team ever could probably only tell you who the best Celtics team was, although as far as I can tell I never finished. Within all the papers, there was also part of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, so maybe I did discover girls before I was able to finish my imaginary tournament.

There were other finds, including a set of books about Dungeons and Dragons, which will come in handy in case I need to award any charisma points. I should point out here that, while I did play Dungeons and Dragons, it was only a short phase during seventh grade. I was just experimenting. I didn't like D and D, and I didn't inhale. And just because many of my high school friends were in the so-called "Adventurer's Guild" doesn't mean that I ever played at that point.

I do have to say that there is one good thing about Dungeons and Dragons: the 20-sided dye. You never know when you'll need to make a decision with twenty possible outcomes.

I also found several complete sets of baseball cards from the early 1980s, which would be worth a whole lot more if you hadn't also saved your complete sets of baseball cards from the 1980s. Next time, we should try collecting something that nobody else is collecting.
.
I have since learned that these cards are largely worthless now. There are just too many of them. You might as well throw all yours away now. I will too. After all, I wouldn't dream of convincing everyone to throw out all their baseball cards while holding onto mine, in the hopes that mine will become valuable once supply dwindles. That's just not my style.

I enjoyed looking through all this stuff, but really what's the point, you might be wondering. Well, inexplicably, the same box also contained a confirmation card for me from my Aunt and Uncle. Inside, was a very-crisp $20 bill from the 1980s that I had somehow never noticed. Sometimes, a trip down memory lane really does pay off.

Wednesday Quick Links

Roger Ebert doesn't like 3-D movies.
More weird advertising from Burger King.
Earth's news feed.
Don Draper has a Twitter account. So do Joan Holloway and Peggy Olsen.
Wordle is cool.
I didn't realize The Hungover Gourmet had a blog.